“I’m waiting for my Boaz, I thought I made that clear,” commented a rather annoyed Ruth Wilcox of Bend, Oregon. After searching for a man named Boaz in her church and the local Starbucks scene, Ms. Wilcox has decided to massively broaden her still narrow horizon through online dating websites.
“At first I was bothered that E-Harmony didn’t have a filter based on name, but I decided to try it anyway. They should at least have a rudimentary understanding of my faith.”
When asked to name a specific Bible verse that mentions “Ruth waiting for her Boaz,” Ms. Wilcox seemed unable to bring a reference to memory.
“It’s in there. Somewhere. In the book of Ruth probably. Right next to all the Beth Moore quotes I wrote in the margins.”
“I just don’t know what to say to my guys anymore,” was the heartbreaking comment said by Coach Jones after two cups of wine and dictionary.com led to the discovery of the Old English word, “Teaime.”
“How will I get them to work together knowing there’s an i in team? There is absolutely nothing else in the world I could say to them to convince them to work together.”
Coach Jones has been Coaching the Davenport Bulldogs for the last twenty years, and has never missed a day of work. Now he can’t seem to find the motivation to get out of bed.
“They may as well replace me. My faith in teamwork and the fundamentals of baseball has been shattered.”
“Perhaps this is for a reason,” Coach Jones said near the end of the interview. “Maybe the i was later removed from Team for this very purpose. Maybe there’s still a silver lining to all this.”
Many Social Justice protesters in the Baltimore area have rallied together to protest at a local spa.
The plan, according to the Twitter account of James Whitaker, is to meet on the Saturday, the 24th of September, at a local spa and sit in the sauna while playing the national anthem on a boombox.
When interviewed, Whitaker said, “We are taking activism up a notch. We’re going to be sitting in the hot tub during the national anthem, we’re gonna be lying down getting back massages during the national anthem, heck, when I go home, I’m gonna be SLEEPING during the national anthem ALL-NIGHT-LONG.”
Many media outlets rushed to defend Whitaker as brave, while others simply dismissed him and his movement as someone looking for an easy way into the spotlight.
“He’s just looking to get attention,” commented a anonymous friend of Whitaker’s. “He’s probably about to lose his job, so he’s trying to stir up some controversy before that happens.”
Then in a strange stupor resulting from taking several uppers and a bottle of Jack, a homeless man named Jim Holmstrom stumbled his way into a fashion show in New York City and become the center of fashion media firestorm.
“Wha?” Holmstrom reportedly said when the cameras turned on him. “Look, I’m just lookin’ for some hot wemmins and maybe an open bar. You uptight New Yorker ****heads usually have something like that, OK?”
Holmstrom apparently did not expect his attire of choice would start new trends in the hipster community.
“I’ve already been experimenting with Urine scented cologne,” said Demir Marcus, a young fashion designer. “I’m also rolling out a new line of blanket-scarves that come pre-rolled around in dirt for several hours so you get that perfect, grungy look to it all.”
When asked whether or not Holmstrom would be licensing any modeling deals, he said, “Models huh? Like hot lady-types? Hell yeah!”
Meanwhile, some are raising concerns about the appropriation of homeless culture, but their voices are small in the rising tide of West Coast fashion.
As a special finishing touch to his signature dishes, Chef Antonio of Rigmarole Italian Restaurant in Portland, Oregon, takes photos of the food before letting anything go out to a customer.
“These days, some folks still aren’t aware that you have to take pictures of your food to make it taste its best,” he explained. “The photography releases Pretentiocides in the food, which break up and activate the flavor when the photo is taken.”
Chef Antonio made the decision after some negative Yelp reviews complaining about the taste of the food. He also mentioned that he has hired two new Chefs to do nothing but post the photos on Facebook and Instagram.
“Facebook is the real final touch,” Chef Antonio explained. “When you post the photo to the internet, it releases an additional complex protein known as Nobodycariums. My Yelp reviews went up, on average, a full star after Chef Jones and Chef Tanner came in.”
“Choosing the right instagram filter is also important,” he added. “Someone Juno’d my tossed salad the other day and I had to throw the whole batch out. That guy ain’t here no more.”
Indeed, Portland is a hub for trend setting on the West Coast, and Chef Antonio expects a rise in competition from other restaurants in the area.
“We’re already setting aside funds for better and better, you know, cameras and exploratory committees for new websites to post the photos on,” he said. “Thanks to a little Italian innovation and foresight, we’ll be ahead of the curb for a long time.”
Dan Walls of Washington says the future is bright for the unfinished game community, a group that recently emerged out of the slew of early access games being made a available to the public through a gaming service called Steam.
“I was always a video game fan,” Walls explains, “but I always felt like I was spending money for a WHOLE package. Where are the glitches? Where are the unfinished combat systems? Why are the amazing stealth mechanics still in the game when the developers could ruin them at the last minute? Good questions I think, folks.”
Walls says that he’s part of a thriving community of people who want to spend money on half-finished games with no legal promise on the developers end to finish the game.
“When the first 1.0 patch lands, when the game comes out of early access, it’s not that interesting to me anymore. Yeah, there’s still some bugs and glitches, but by then I’ve moved on to the next half-finished game.”
We asked Walls to recount his most fond memory of an early access game, he said, “One time, I bought a game that was so buggy, it crashed after 10 seconds. The developer abandoned it immediately, so it never got updated. I find that I keep going back to it, reliving that moment when I found a game I knew was going to be a classic. Worth every penny of my $100 Christmas gift from grandma.”
Following his recent engagement to Singer Ciara, Seahawks fans everywhere are encouraging their kids to be even more like Russell Wilson.
“We taught Jimmy a few songs about it,” said one Seattle resident. “Wilson Loves Me, This I Know, What a Friend We Have In Russell, and that one song where they spell out their beliefs. You know, ‘I am a S-E. I am an S-E. I am an S-E-A-H-A-W-K-S F-A-N.’ I think it’s a good influence on ’em.”
Some, especially people of faith, have raised objection to teaching kids songs praising Russell Wilson, but the NFL released a statement recently, stating, “We talked with Jesus and he’s totally cool with it because he is also a Seahawks fan. Also 10% Seahawks merchandise this week with code: PRAISEBETORUSSELL.”
One Christian Seahawk fan in particular commented, “Well, Jesus never got married, and so even if we want to be like him, we have no immaculate example of the perfect sexual relationship. Now with Russell and Ciara, we can finally know how to model our dating lives, and soon our marriages. We won’t have to be agnostic about marriage anymore.”
In addition to Christians, other religious groups have made their voices heard as well. A few members from The Church of Tom Brady of Monday Night
Saints Pats said that they consider devotion to Russell Wilson “still new, dangerous, untested, and totally not as good as Tom Brady.”
The NFL announced it will soon be releasing The Seahawks Bible, a short, ten page book with “everything you need for life, love, and football.” “It’s a cute little story about Russell Wilson throwing the football for our sins. We made it short so people could read it and get back to what’s important: football.
“It comes with a cool logo on the front and will be available for $29.99. We plan to release a whole series in the near future.”