Home > Breaking News > Butt Dailing Continues to be Major Issue for Cell Phone Users

Butt Dailing Continues to be Major Issue for Cell Phone Users

Let’s face it, in this crazy world of accelerated technology that we live in, our smart phones really have gotten quite smart.

And so have our butts.

Despite cell phone designs which attempt to prevent our pesky butts from dialing, bottoms everywhere have cleverly discovered how to call people on varieties of phones.

“We are facing intelligent foes here,” complained cell phone designer Derrick Addison. “We walk a fine line: If we make smart phones too difficult to unlock, the average user won’t figure it out or will get frustrated at the difficulty. If we make it too simple, the butts make it past our defenses.”

Despite Addison’s sketchy past as a “Reverse Wedding Mortgage Consultant,” his comments are spot on for millions of cell phone users. Friends of butt dialers are constantly annoyed by the “white noise” calls they receive on a regular basis. Tiffany Fransion of Maryland lamented, “So like, my friend Trish calls me, and I’m totally debating whether or not to answer it because, like you know, the last time I talked to her, she said she like, thought I didn’t have any, you know, like, brains, and I told her I never wanted to like, speak with her ever again, so I like, after thinking for like, four or five rings, I decide to like, answer it, and before Trisha like, says anything I totally tell her that she like, doesn’t have it goin’ on, and that like, she’s the one without any of those like, brains that she totally mentioned, and that she could just like, shove that in her Gucci handbag and like, smoke it or something. Then when she like, didn’t respond I knew that it was her like, butt that dialed me, and I was so like, upset that I like, hung up and haven’t talked to her since.”

Besides the fact that the interview with Fransion led to the resignation of one of our investigative reporters, Fransion’s words ring true for many Americans. Some more so than any of us would like (Haha!  I made a pun! Are journalists allowed to do that? Yes? No? Applesauce?). Others are more concerned not with the fact that our butts are dialing, but specifically what they are doing while engaging in phone conversation. Crazed speculator, Derrick Box, said, “A butt uprising is clearly on the way. First they are learning to communicate with our technology, next they will be using our weapons. We’ve sat on them our whole lives; I don’t blame them. I might even join them!”

So how exactly can we prevent our butts from dialing? Addison said that until a breakthrough in technology happens, it is best to keep one’s phone in his or her front pocket. “Thighs seem to have much less success in dialing than butts do. At least for now.”

DandaBear, Panda Press, June 7, 2011.

Categories: Breaking News
  1. Molly
    June 7, 2011 at 4:14 pm

    Butt uprising joiners facebook group maybe? yes? gotta get in early in the revolt to be above slave level….

  1. No trackbacks yet.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: