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Cookie Monster Dead at 56


Near the beautiful Sundial bridge in Redding, CA, tragedy has struck. The Cookie Monster was found washed ashore, dead as a doornail. We don’t know the cause of death, nor do we know where the phrase “dead as a doornail” originated. We can only speculate, as some have done.

Professor Ingad Bechov of the University of California, Berkeley, had this to say. “With the seaseme street characters becoming older, their minds enter a stage of dementia having been exposed to non-stop acting their whole lives. This has lead to an increasing number of suicides everywhere; Cookie Monster is only the logical conclusion to a growing trend.”

Others who love to wear tinfoil hats are speculating that fowl play is, well, at play. Blenn Geck, noted for wearing his tinfoil hat more often than underwear, had this to say,

“It is obvious that there was a major backlash when the Cookie Monster became the Carrot Monster. However, what I think is this: Cookie Monster was actually a Russian spy who had turned and was working for, you guessed it folks, the freakin’ CIA. Likely he turned on the CIA and they lifted their protection, resulting in him being sent up the river. Or down the river. The point is, CIA. Science! Ahhhh! Why doesn’t anyone believe me!  AHHHHHHH!”

We cut the rest of the interview due to an unusual amount of profanity. You’re welcome.

So then, we now turn to the most knowledgeable people in the world to solve this conundrum: THE INTERNET. What do you think, bottom feeders and meme lovers? What sort of reason-less explanation do you have to throw out there to the merciless, wild dogs who are still in high school and have nothing better to do but argue all day err day? Share your thoughts!

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