Home > Uncategorized > Ted Cruz Appeals, “You know it’s what Jesus wants.”

Ted Cruz Appeals, “You know it’s what Jesus wants.”


TedCruzWideIn a last ditch effort to win the nomination, Ted Cruz announced that the angel Gabriel appeared to him in a cave near Mecca, explaining that it was the will of the Lord for him to be the next President of the United States.

“The question is not, What Would Jesus Do? It’s Who Would Jesus Vote For In This Politically Trying Environment That Determines The Future Of America?”

Ted Cruz supporters were seen passing out W.W.J.V.F.I.T.P.T.E.T.D.T.F.O.A.?. bracelets at a recent event. “They don’t seem to fit smaller wrists, so most women have to wear our W.W.J.V.F. versions,” one of the supporters stated.

Political analysts say it’s Cruz’s last ditch attempt to appeal to the conservative Christian base for support, but with the Trump winning nom-nom-nomination after nomination, it’s hard to tell if Cruz Control can close the gap.

“Yeah, I’m a Christian,” said one duder, “but I’m voting for Trump ’cause I call it the ‘Trump Dump.’ It’s like at an auction when you bid somebody up on a bad item, then DUMP it on ’em. Yeah. I’m taking a dump on the American people.”

Lastly, the Panda Press would like to remind its readers that the lack of naming sources for quotes is completely due to anonymity and in no way detracts from the credibility of The Panda Press or any of its affiliates.

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