Ted Cruz Appeals, “You know it’s what Jesus wants.”

February 29, 2016 Leave a comment

TedCruzWideIn a last ditch effort to win the nomination, Ted Cruz announced that the angel Gabriel appeared to him in a cave near Mecca, explaining that it was the will of the Lord for him to be the next President of the United States.

“The question is not, What Would Jesus Do? It’s Who Would Jesus Vote For In This Politically Trying Environment That Determines The Future Of America?”

Ted Cruz supporters were seen passing out W.W.J.V.F.I.T.P.T.E.T.D.T.F.O.A.?. bracelets at a recent event. “They don’t seem to fit smaller wrists, so most women have to wear our W.W.J.V.F. versions,” one of the supporters stated.

Political analysts say it’s Cruz’s last ditch attempt to appeal to the conservative Christian base for support, but with the Trump winning nom-nom-nomination after nomination, it’s hard to tell if Cruz Control can close the gap.

“Yeah, I’m a Christian,” said one duder, “but I’m voting for Trump ’cause I call it the ‘Trump Dump.’ It’s like at an auction when you bid somebody up on a bad item, then DUMP it on ’em. Yeah. I’m taking a dump on the American people.”

Lastly, the Panda Press would like to remind its readers that the lack of naming sources for quotes is completely due to anonymity and in no way detracts from the credibility of The Panda Press or any of its affiliates.

Categories: Uncategorized

Courts Fail to Render Popular Verdicts from Facebook

February 22, 2016 Leave a comment

Court gavel

Despite thousands of hastags and emotional rants, U.S. courts still continue to follow evidence rather than Facebook protests.

Several high-profile cases in the past few years did not follow the viral Facebook movements to render a guilty verdict, despite the fact that everyone “totally believed he was guilty.”

“It’s becoming a real problem, as more and more people feel triggered by these insensitive court decisions,” said the Huffsalot Post. “It doesn’t matter if the person is guilty or not, what matters is that our feelings need to be protected from people who disagree with us.”

One female comedian commented about the recent Kesha case, “What is this country coming to? You need evidence for a conviction?! This is why women don’t speak up: we get ask for facts and evidence, and you just can’t ask us that. It’s sexist.”

The U.S. Department of Justice is having talks with Mark Zuckerbutt Zuckerberg about implementing a voting system directly into Facebook, a system similar to the ads on the sidebar. Instead of an ad, you would have a court case and you could click guilty or not guilty.

“This would ensure that people who have no connection with the case get to decide the fate of an individual,” Zuckerberg stated. “We want as little evidence as possible. Evidence hurts feelings, and feelings are all that matter. If you feel like someone is guilty, they’re guilty.”

Categories: Uncategorized

Cookie Monster Dead at 56

December 10, 2012 Leave a comment

Near the beautiful Sundial bridge in Redding, CA, tragedy has struck. The Cookie Monster was found washed ashore, dead as a doornail. We don’t know the cause of death, nor do we know where the phrase “dead as a doornail” originated. We can only speculate, as some have done.

Professor Ingad Bechov of the University of California, Berkeley, had this to say. “With the seaseme street characters becoming older, their minds enter a stage of dementia having been exposed to non-stop acting their whole lives. This has lead to an increasing number of suicides everywhere; Cookie Monster is only the logical conclusion to a growing trend.”

Others who love to wear tinfoil hats are speculating that fowl play is, well, at play. Blenn Geck, noted for wearing his tinfoil hat more often than underwear, had this to say,

“It is obvious that there was a major backlash when the Cookie Monster became the Carrot Monster. However, what I think is this: Cookie Monster was actually a Russian spy who had turned and was working for, you guessed it folks, the freakin’ CIA. Likely he turned on the CIA and they lifted their protection, resulting in him being sent up the river. Or down the river. The point is, CIA. Science! Ahhhh! Why doesn’t anyone believe me!  AHHHHHHH!”

We cut the rest of the interview due to an unusual amount of profanity. You’re welcome.

So then, we now turn to the most knowledgeable people in the world to solve this conundrum: THE INTERNET. What do you think, bottom feeders and meme lovers? What sort of reason-less explanation do you have to throw out there to the merciless, wild dogs who are still in high school and have nothing better to do but argue all day err day? Share your thoughts!

Categories: Uncategorized

Yanni Still Somehow Attractive

February 10, 2012 3 comments


It seems pretty unfair, but time appears to be kinder to some than others. Yanni appears to have beaten the odds.

Despite many naysayers, usually consisting of jealous, less-beautiful people, 66 year old Yanni still looks great on and off stage. Recent theorists have argued that beauty truly is in the eye of the beholder, but, really, go look at that picture up top again. Yeah, 66 years old. Shabama.

(Edit: it has been made aware to me that my information was incorrect, Yanni is currently 58 years old as of November 14th 2012. Still, he looks great for his age).

Granted, the picture may be a few years old, but a quick Google search should be enough to prove the point. Or, at the very least, prove that Yanni once had a rather creepy mustache.

However, “considering the recent loss of the creeper stach,” quoted beauty expert Jacques Debois, “I would say that Yanni has actually become more attractive in the past decade. This is in utter defiance to the Second Law of Thermodynamics, which states that people become less beautiful the more they eat cake.”

Despite Mr. Debois tenuous grasp on the Second Law of Thermodynamics, he brings up a good point that is difficult to refute, especially if you like cake. Mmmm. Cake…

When asked for an interview, Yanni refused to comment. Actually, I never asked. But you wouldn’t have known that if I didn’t say anything, so consider yourself privileged. At the very least I will say this: We could all learn a thing or two from Yanni. And if not, “let them eat cake.”

Categories: Uncategorized

Butt Dailing Continues to be Major Issue for Cell Phone Users

June 7, 2011 1 comment

Let’s face it, in this crazy world of accelerated technology that we live in, our smart phones really have gotten quite smart.

And so have our butts.

Despite cell phone designs which attempt to prevent our pesky butts from dialing, bottoms everywhere have cleverly discovered how to call people on varieties of phones.

“We are facing intelligent foes here,” complained cell phone designer Derrick Addison. “We walk a fine line: If we make smart phones too difficult to unlock, the average user won’t figure it out or will get frustrated at the difficulty. If we make it too simple, the butts make it past our defenses.”

Despite Addison’s sketchy past as a “Reverse Wedding Mortgage Consultant,” his comments are spot on for millions of cell phone users. Friends of butt dialers are constantly annoyed by the “white noise” calls they receive on a regular basis. Tiffany Fransion of Maryland lamented, “So like, my friend Trish calls me, and I’m totally debating whether or not to answer it because, like you know, the last time I talked to her, she said she like, thought I didn’t have any, you know, like, brains, and I told her I never wanted to like, speak with her ever again, so I like, after thinking for like, four or five rings, I decide to like, answer it, and before Trisha like, says anything I totally tell her that she like, doesn’t have it goin’ on, and that like, she’s the one without any of those like, brains that she totally mentioned, and that she could just like, shove that in her Gucci handbag and like, smoke it or something. Then when she like, didn’t respond I knew that it was her like, butt that dialed me, and I was so like, upset that I like, hung up and haven’t talked to her since.”

Besides the fact that the interview with Fransion led to the resignation of one of our investigative reporters, Fransion’s words ring true for many Americans. Some more so than any of us would like (Haha!  I made a pun! Are journalists allowed to do that? Yes? No? Applesauce?). Others are more concerned not with the fact that our butts are dialing, but specifically what they are doing while engaging in phone conversation. Crazed speculator, Derrick Box, said, “A butt uprising is clearly on the way. First they are learning to communicate with our technology, next they will be using our weapons. We’ve sat on them our whole lives; I don’t blame them. I might even join them!”

So how exactly can we prevent our butts from dialing? Addison said that until a breakthrough in technology happens, it is best to keep one’s phone in his or her front pocket. “Thighs seem to have much less success in dialing than butts do. At least for now.”

DandaBear, Panda Press, June 7, 2011.

Categories: Breaking News

Live Action Role Playing to be Hosted on ESPN

May 31, 2011 2 comments

Live Action Role Playing, or “LARPing,” is serious business.

Or at least, it’s about to be.

While LARPing has always been considered more of a game than a sport, ESPN began to take an interest in this imaginative fantasy game after noticing the large, if not scattered, following the game has obtained over the years. The rules and styles for LARPing vary greatly between groups of players, but the main idea is that the players each act out a character in a fixed setting, such as medieval, Victorian, western, etc…, and play the game as if they were that character. The most common form of play is the medieval LARPing, where the characters battle each other with foam weapons of all kinds.

Last Sunday, ESPN announced that they were throwing their hat into the ring with this so-called “sport.” Since then, debates have spread like wildfire over whether or not the game could be even considered a sport, and if so, if should it be commercialized and broadcasted.

“It will take a good deal of shoring up,” said ESPN representative David Hatch. “There’s not nearly enough rules as is, and we need to make sure it is marketable to the general public.”

While this is seen as a boon for many serious LARPers, other long-standing players have serious complaints.

“It’s becoming WAY to commercialized,” said LARPer of five years, Ethan Hawthorne. “Everything becomes less awesome when the general public gets involved. If [it] keeps going where it is right now, I’m going to sound the retreat to my mom’s basement. I hope she has cookies ready for me when I get home. Oh! Those chocolate chip ones! Or maybe the white chocolate macadamia nut. Thems are good!”

But commercialization isn’t the only problem. Even those who wholeheartedly welcome the media attention are beginning to show some concerns, mostly with the level of violence that will be involved in the games.

“They better regulate it!” said six year LARPer Elizabeth Gem. “I don’t want someone throwing a frickin’ tomahawk at me.” In addition to this, one of ESPN’s own employees, who chose to remain anonymous, said that they were concerned that the days of Roman gladiators were being resurrected through this idea, slowly but surely. In response to comments like these, ESPN announced that they had no intentions of making this a blood sport, and that all weapons would be regulated and made of foam-like materials.

“We don’t want people getting seriously hurt,” said Hatch, “but in all honesty, this will be far safer for the players than many other sports, especially football.”

ESPN announced that it would take some time, probably the rest of the year, to get everything setup for the first broadcasted LARP competition. Until then, LARPers are encouraged to form teams and sign up to be involved.

“We really hope for a big turnout,” Hatch stated. “But we may have to find a way to coax the players out of their basements, dorm rooms, and computer chairs.”

Dandabear, Panda Press, May 31st, 2011.

Categories: Breaking News